20 Plus Years
And the gauntlets we run.
After 20 plus years of fighting the good fight in the acting business, I hung up my gloves on Friday.
I called my agents and told them I was tapping out. I no longer wanted to be a cog in the wheel of the machine.
When prompted to know what I did want to do, I simply replied “I want to be the machine”
All I’ve ever known in my professional life was acting. But not even the art or craft of acting. All I’ve truly ever knew was the hustle. The hustle, the grind, sprinkled occassionally with the odd acting job. Perhaps a line or two to TV’s Dr. House - “Sorry” (that’s it. That was my line. Genius)
Nailed it.
Or a recurring guest-star that never seemed to recur….
Whatever the opposite of nailing it is.
And when all was said and done (or mimed. Sometimes, you gotta mime) it was back to the grind. Back to the wheel. Back to the machine.
We survived off the crumbs. We filled our cup with the possibility; our mugs with delusion. Our plates were empty, but a golden goose hung over our heads. Today might be the day. Today might be the day I reach the golden goose.
20 plus years of this.
I’m hungry.
And I’m considered one of the lucky ones. I was on a series. A successful series. I made money. My face was on the billboards I longed for 20 plus years. I was directed by George Clooney for godsakes. This by all definitions is the golden goose.
I’m famished.
For years I silenced the voice in my head, begging me to walk away. The voice, the constant gnawing. Not because of the acting itself. But because of the gauntlet I had to run to reach the acting. What once felt necessary, something I willingly participated, even celebrated, became stifling.
What if we choose to believe we have the power?
What if we had it all along?
What if we have been handing our power away because we have been told that this is how it is done. We lose perspective on our own machine, because we are convinced we need another.
We wait for power to be bestowed upon us.
We sign up for the gauntlets.
We run the gauntlet, to prove our worth. To earn our place.
To be crowned the power.
What if we never needed to run the gauntlet?
What if we are the gauntlet?
I joined this app just to comment on this post.
Just remember, you were brilliant in those Chekhov scenes in college…
And a fantastic scene partner even then.
I applaud all you have said here.
I just wanted to say heck yeah, Courtney.
You speak the truth
Just seeing this post because Deadline came around to it a couple of weeks late. I'd like to share a story that means a lot to me with you.
I spend a lot of time helping an aunt who has Parkinson's Disease and dementia. It's very difficult for her to retain new memories these days. I watch a lot of movies and shows with her to help her pass the time. Older movies are generally better because she has some memories of them and it's easier to engage with things she's already aware of. I put off S2 of Cobra Kai for awhile and finally decided to resume watching it with her a couple of years ago. To my surprise and glee, she enjoyed watching the show with me. When we were watching the S2 finale and all the wild fighting started happening at the school, she remarked, "All this because Miguel kissed a girl?!?" I was taken aback because it had been about a week since we watched the episode where Miguel kissed Sam, the event that kickstarted the fighting at the school. That stayed in her short term memory, which is highly unusual for someone at her stage of dementia, but she was very engaged in what she was watching and against all odds, she could recall it.
From then on, I made sure to only watch Cobra Kai when I was with her so we could finish it together. I want to thank you for being a big part of something that brought me great joy to watch with a loved one. Whatever you do next in life you will be amazing in.